It’s 2am… why am I awake?

How is it that the more I try to simplify things, set my sites on lifelong, realistic goals and take better care of myself… the more my fat, old body rebels?  Suddenly I’m not sleeping for $h!T…  Nothing will suck the life and motivation out of you faster than being flat ass exhausted because you are down to 2 hours of sleep a night.  I guess I deserve it for all the hell I have put my body through over the years.  I’m sure if I had taken care of myself from the start I would be sleeping like a baby right now.  But, then again, I probably wouldn’t be entertaining  you with all my bitching in this blog right now either… so I guess it works…  for you guys anyway…  I really don’t want to resort to chemicals to help but my allergies ARE bugging me a bit so I suppose a week or so on Benadryl at night wouldn’t hurt…  maybe it would get me back in a routine and then I could take it from there?  Regardless, I’ve gotta get this under control.

It’s hard to tell myself that it is OK if I miss a workout.  Living in the world of the type AAA personalities that pervade triathlon for the last 4 years has got me pretty obsessed with working out every chance I get, so when life gets in the way (like this morning when I missed a swim because I had to be on the road at 7am) it pisses me off.  I’m trying to let that go… but I still kick myself pretty hard (mentally) if I skip a workout.  It all makes me pretty grumpy.

I had my first bout of dealing with REALLY wanting a beer since I quit drinking last night.  I was so frustrated with myself for wanting one I almost cried.  And then my sweet, innocent little daughter asked me on the way home “Dad?  Are you gonna stop on the way home at the store?”  This sent me down even further.  It let me know that, even if she didn’t understand or notice what I got when I went to the store on the way home from Karate, I must have done it enough that she got used to it.  That’s bad.  Needless to say, it didn’t help my mood.  I think part of it was I was really tired, but still, it was all the more frustrating and pretty embarrassing to realize my child even noticed my bad habits.

Oh… and I didn’t get a beer.  I did have some popcorn with my daughter though…  sue me.

I’m heading to the gym shortly to pay my penance for this morning’s missed workout.  This is the end of the first week of our new program.  I’m already feeling better about the workout.  I had to adjust down a lot of my weights but the workout is doable now.  There are several of the exercises we picked that I am already looking at going up in weight on, so hopefully that 3 week adjustment period will only last 2 weeks… 🙂

For all the lifting and sports I have done, I’m amazed at how weak my shoulders are.  For as much as I can lift in other exercises, I’m REALLY weak in the shoulders.  This could be (one of) the issues with swimming… maybe?  Regardless, I’m going to work on it this spring and see if that helps.  If nothing else, adjusting the distribution of weight on my body from my gut to my shoulders might change my balance in the water a little so I’m not dragging so much… maybe?

One thing I am NOT doing for the foreseeable future is getting on a scale.  I’m trying to stay away from numbers as much as possible.  It’s pretty obvious I’m fat.  I don’t need a scale for that.  I’m just going by feel for now.  As in, do my pants FEEL any looser?  Do I FEEL any stronger or faster?  If the answers to these questions are yes, I’m going the right way.  The scale just adds stress I don’t need right now.  When I get down to 10lb or so from my goal weight, I might step back on just to let me know how far I’ve come.  But I don’t anticipate that happening until sometime late summer or even fall of this year.  Until then, like I’ve said before, just breathe.  It’ll come.



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