I’m slowly gathering the courage necessary to sign up for races again.
I lost so much confidence last year that by the end of the year I was just too embarrassed and ashamed to sign up for anything. Yes, I did dare to register for (and actually compete in and, shockingly enough, complete) my first 25K trail race. I even feigned excitement at completing the race, but truth to tell, I was pretty ashamed. It was really the beginning of the end and what turned into a new beginning. I spent a lot of time after that race thinking about things. It forced me to make some decisions that I had been avoiding for a long time.
I rid myself of anchors and baggage. Let go of some comforts and rediscovered others. Rejoined friends and accepted where I was.
It was tough the first few times I went out on rides or runs with people I used to hang with or even be stronger than. Tough watching them run off into the distance. Knowing I had to accept that I couldn’t keep up. Even after a month or so back at it, I still can’t keep up, but I let that go too. It doesn’t matter. What matters is I’m out there. And I’m slowly catching back up. The goal now is to get caught and never get dropped again.
Races are a big part of my motivation. But after a year of being barely trained, then under trained, then just plain not ready to race, I’m hesitant to get back into races. There are several I want to do. The Sedalia half marathon, the offroad half marathon at Innsbrook, the MaxTrax duathlon, the God’s Country offroad Duathlon, TriZou (yes, I said that) and others. And where last year I felt like I HAD to do races because it was the only thing that kept me motivated, it’s a different feeling this time. I WANT to race. Racing sounds FUN again.
I guess the run yesterday charged me up a bit. To be able to run over 10 miles this early in the season and feel really good was encouraging. But I guess I’m still a little bit chicken to write the check for a race. Last year left a bad taste in my mouth and I don’t trust myself yet. I guess I just need to dive in and register for something. Maybe in March, like the Offroad Half in Innsbrook. It’s early, the weather will probably be crappy and the course is hilly as hell. If I can train for and complete that race… Maybe there is hope for me yet…