Today has been a difficult day, personally. Not with family, or friends… Internally.
If you have never had problems with your weight, this won’t make much sense. But I always have. Even at my lightest, I was still overweight. Food and I have a hate/love relationship. I hate that I love it, but I do. And this goes for beer or wine as well (I’m not a fan of hard alcohol like whiskey or gin though… oddly enough). I fancy myself as somewhat a beer and wine snob. Just like food, I love the GOOD beers and wines. I got spoiled on fine Syrahs and craft beers in California. These unfortunate preferences are what lead to me weigh 240lb at one point in my life, just before we moved here in 2006. While I have shaved a lot of that weight off, what was sad and frightening at the same time was how fast it started coming back last year. And how fast it stopped and started going back down again when I quit drinking started controlling myself at the table again.
So I’m one month, more or less, into the year and have been pleased with my progress so far. I’ve lost 16lb and my fitness and health are really good. I can go into a supermarket or bar and not buy beer or bad food (with an excepted weakness for the rare bag of chips), But it is a daily struggle. Last night I wanted beer so bad I couldn’t even concentrate. This morning I woke up frustrated and depressed. For no other reason than I kept thinking about food and feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t eat what I wanted. I crashed even further when I saw the weather and realized that I wasn’t going to run outside today and, therefore, probably wouldn’t lose any weight this week. So even as much as I wanted food, there were more reasons why I couldn’t have any.
I went to the gym and rode for an hour on a spin bike. The sweat poured off of me. But the whole time I just thought about pizza. About how much I really want to build my own pizza oven in the back yard. I never will, because, like making my own beer, if I have the supplies, I will make a LOT. That can’t happen. Ever.
Then I got in the pool and swam 1000 yards right after spinning. I felt strong and smooth. But there were 3 birthday parties so all I could smell… was the Domino’s pizza from the parties.
I keep telling myself that this will get better. But I know it won’t. My ability to resist might improve, but I have wasted over 40 years developing my bad habits and ways of thinking. They will never go away. I will ALWAYS want a beer. I will ALWAYS love great food. I will ALWAYS love Doritos (I’m sure one of the ingredients is crack). The heart of this battle I have will always be simply, “Can I accept the fact that I can’t make these things go away and just walk away anyway?”
The short answer is yes. I have to.
And for those that would say “well… you worked hard today. You can have just ONE beer (or insert other junk here), can’t you?”
No. I can’t.
Because with me, there is no such thing as “just one”. It may start with one, but then I will drink/eat until it is gone (or I pass out). It opens a flood gate I can’t stop. It is my 800lb gorilla and all I can do is try to tame him because I’m too weak of will power or strength to fight him.
Those that know me will also know that I’m not usually a serious person. In fact, I don’t take myself seriously at all most of the time. I may look grumpy but I’m usually just concentrating on not doing anything stupid and it tends to make me frown… 😉 But I’m dealing with something very difficult right now… and it’s me. I’m trying to stare down my gorilla for the final time so I can move on to something else, and it’s extremely difficult. Because I don’t want to. I just know I have to. I’m sick of being the fat kid in the pool. And if it means giving up the comfort of good food or my favorite brew… I accept that… finally.
It just sucks at the moment.