So… It’s baseball’s fault you’re fat? …umm. No.

It’s amazing how choices you make in your youth that seem innocent and even positive can have lifelong and sometimes unfortunate effects.  Now believe me…  I don’t blame ANYONE for how I am or who I am.  I take ownership and sole responsibility for how I am and who I am.  A trait I, personally, see as endangered in our society.  I also believe that there is no one on this planet that can help me out of where I am and get me to where I want to be… except me.

So I was thinking about why it’s so hard for me to let things go sometimes (bad decisions, poor choices).  I can still think about foolish things I did 20 years ago or more and they still upset me.  I hear the sayings about letting things go all the time and I’m trying to do that but it’s really hard.  And I started trying to figure out… why?  And, to get back to my original statement, I think one of the main reasons is competitive sports.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not badmouthing sports.  Just hear me out.

My father was a wonderful man.  And of all the supportive and intelligent things he said to me, the one that has stuck with me all my life is this.  Here is the story:

In 9th grade, I was about the same size as all the other kids.  The summer between my freshman and sophomore year, something happened though.  When school started back up, I went out for football again, as usual.  But over the summer (or so it seemed) all the other kids had gotten HUGE.  I was by far one of the shortest kids on the team.  In the first three practices I got DESTROYED on hit after hit.  There was no way I could compete with kids 6 inches taller and a hundred pounds heavier that me.  I was devastated.  I went to my coach, who was a good man as well, and told him how I felt.  He agreed and suggested I focus more on baseball (he was an assistant coach on the baseball team) and run cross country in the fall instead.  I turned in my stuff.  I was relieved but at the same time, I knew I had to face my father.  Now what I did know about him was that he was a football star.  Diminutive, yes (5’7″) but he was the quarterback 3 years straight for the high school team.  He was also a point guard on the basketball team and the catcher for the baseball team.  I was terrified that I was going to disappoint him.

When I got home, he was working on the front porch and he knew right away something was wrong.  As I tried to explain to him what I had done, I broke down.  I told him I knew about his past sports achievements and wanted to be like him but I just couldn’t cut it.  That I was sorry I let him down.

Then the strangest thing happened.  His face screwed up in this pained, incredulous expression.  He shook his head and turned away.  I just knew I was in for it.  But then he turned back around just as quickly and said “Son, I don’t care if you play sports.  I just want you to have fun and love what you are doing.”  Then he asked if football was fun.  I said no, that it actually just hurt a lot and that all the other kids were huge.  He said, “Then quit!  Do something else!  Don’t hurt yourself… that’s crazy!  Don’t waste your time/life doing something if you don’t enjoy it!”  He agreed with me (with a chuckle) that we Martins were not the most vertically gifted family on the planet (my mom was 4’11′ on a good day) and that perhaps non contact sports were better.

The wave of relief that hit me staggered me.  And I remember that moment vividly to this day.

From that moment on, I dedicated myself to baseball.  I went out (grudgingly) for the cross country team.  I sucked and was by far the slowest one, but my coach (also the JV baseball coach) knew I wasn’t doing it for the cross country.  I was just cross training.  He even let me go to a couple of races.  Funny how I hated it then… but love it now.

One thing baseball taught me from the beginning was that I am not perfect.  Even a great hitter fails 60-70% of the time.  But because I played it so long (16 years by my own choice), certain traits and behaviors became ingrained in me.  The constant search for perfection.  Minute analysis of performance.  Hypercritical (to a flaw) critiques.  I had a coach in high school that told me home runs were mistakes.  Line drives were the only perfect hits…  Not your normal line of logic, is it?

I stopped playing my junior year in college.  Oddly enough, for the same reason I stopped playing football but this time it was because of the profound words of a professional scout for the Cincinnati Reds.  I was a really good hitter.  I even had decent speed.  I even had an above average arm.  But he pulled me aside after a practice and pointed at one of the other players.  A weak hitting kid with no arm and not many brains either.  He said “See that kid?  He’s 6’2″ .  He’s not that good, but I can teach him to hit.  You are 5’7″.  You are a great hitter.  But I can’t teach you to be 6’2″… That is the sentiment that pervades professional sports.  I quit after that season.  There was no reason to go on.  He was right.  I needed to focus on school.

The problem was that the baseball mindset never left me.  I chose to play baseball.  I was never forced.  I chose to be hypercritical of myself.  And all these years later… I still am.  When I make something out of wood (which I really love to do), teach a class (my profession), run a race, even when I play with my kids or my relationship with my wife.. in my mind I never get it 100% right.  I am always analyzing and critiquing everything I do.  And kicking myself for mistakes I made years ago.  It’s a private battle.  I don’t show it much and certainly do not hold others to the same standard.  I’ve been told I’m very patient.  Just not with myself.

I mention this because I am trying to change it.  To let go of mistakes and just learn from them.  Accept the fact that I have made them and move on.  This is REALLY hard for me.  And one of my biggest mistakes ever was letting myself go, physically, after I stopped playing baseball.  And it’s a mistake I’m still paying for 25 years later.  My bad eating habits, beer drinking and inconsistent exercise have cost me greatly.  But now instead of just getting mad about it and feeling sorry for myself, I’m trying to change it.  It has taken me 25 years to get to this point and I realize it won’t change overnight but I’m working on it.

The one thing (looking for an upside) that I have taken away from baseball that I will always hold onto is the emphasis on fundamentals.  The purity of pitch and catch.  The same swing every time.  Repetition.  Decision making (and sticking to it).  If I were ever to coach a team (I would love to), that would be my focus.  And it is how I’m trying to live and exercise now.  Like I said, “Just breathe”.  There are things I can do every day.  Simple things.  Repetitive things.  Just like practicing my swing, I can practice good eating habits.  I can practice exercising.  These things actually transfer well to sports like triathlon.  Good form takes repetition.  Spinning your legs on a bike, swim stroke.  They all take focus and repetition.

Anyway, another positive that happened this weekend that I was not expecting was my performance at a local 10K.  I only ran it because I didn’t want to run alone.  It has a couple of long hills in it (actually one hill, both ways on an out and back course).  I had been running somewhere around 8:30-9:00 miles and didn’t have many expectations.  I was just hoping to run under 56 minutes.  So I was pretty surprised to look down at my watch with a mile to go and realize I was running just a tick under 8:00/mi!  I finished at 49:45.  Nowhere near what I have run it at in the past… but for only running 2 times since Christmas and being really sore up to that point, this was really good!  And the other good thing was that my knees and hips/pelvis didn’t hurt and still don’t today!  Yay!  It’s fun not to hurt…

For my quote today I will go back to my dad’s words of wisdom because it is really what I want to try to live the rest of my life by:

“Don’t waste your time/life doing something if you don’t enjoy it.”

There really is no other reason to do anything.

It’s 2am… why am I awake?

How is it that the more I try to simplify things, set my sites on lifelong, realistic goals and take better care of myself… the more my fat, old body rebels?  Suddenly I’m not sleeping for $h!T…  Nothing will suck the life and motivation out of you faster than being flat ass exhausted because you are down to 2 hours of sleep a night.  I guess I deserve it for all the hell I have put my body through over the years.  I’m sure if I had taken care of myself from the start I would be sleeping like a baby right now.  But, then again, I probably wouldn’t be entertaining  you with all my bitching in this blog right now either… so I guess it works…  for you guys anyway…  I really don’t want to resort to chemicals to help but my allergies ARE bugging me a bit so I suppose a week or so on Benadryl at night wouldn’t hurt…  maybe it would get me back in a routine and then I could take it from there?  Regardless, I’ve gotta get this under control.

It’s hard to tell myself that it is OK if I miss a workout.  Living in the world of the type AAA personalities that pervade triathlon for the last 4 years has got me pretty obsessed with working out every chance I get, so when life gets in the way (like this morning when I missed a swim because I had to be on the road at 7am) it pisses me off.  I’m trying to let that go… but I still kick myself pretty hard (mentally) if I skip a workout.  It all makes me pretty grumpy.

I had my first bout of dealing with REALLY wanting a beer since I quit drinking last night.  I was so frustrated with myself for wanting one I almost cried.  And then my sweet, innocent little daughter asked me on the way home “Dad?  Are you gonna stop on the way home at the store?”  This sent me down even further.  It let me know that, even if she didn’t understand or notice what I got when I went to the store on the way home from Karate, I must have done it enough that she got used to it.  That’s bad.  Needless to say, it didn’t help my mood.  I think part of it was I was really tired, but still, it was all the more frustrating and pretty embarrassing to realize my child even noticed my bad habits.

Oh… and I didn’t get a beer.  I did have some popcorn with my daughter though…  sue me.

I’m heading to the gym shortly to pay my penance for this morning’s missed workout.  This is the end of the first week of our new program.  I’m already feeling better about the workout.  I had to adjust down a lot of my weights but the workout is doable now.  There are several of the exercises we picked that I am already looking at going up in weight on, so hopefully that 3 week adjustment period will only last 2 weeks…

For all the lifting and sports I have done, I’m amazed at how weak my shoulders are.  For as much as I can lift in other exercises, I’m REALLY weak in the shoulders.  This could be (one of) the issues with swimming… maybe?  Regardless, I’m going to work on it this spring and see if that helps.  If nothing else, adjusting the distribution of weight on my body from my gut to my shoulders might change my balance in the water a little so I’m not dragging so much… maybe?

One thing I am NOT doing for the foreseeable future is getting on a scale.  I’m trying to stay away from numbers as much as possible.  It’s pretty obvious I’m fat.  I don’t need a scale for that.  I’m just going by feel for now.  As in, do my pants FEEL any looser?  Do I FEEL any stronger or faster?  If the answers to these questions are yes, I’m going the right way.  The scale just adds stress I don’t need right now.  When I get down to 10lb or so from my goal weight, I might step back on just to let me know how far I’ve come.  But I don’t anticipate that happening until sometime late summer or even fall of this year.  Until then, like I’ve said before, just breathe.  It’ll come.

 

Weights are still heavy

I don’t want to make this too much of a habit, but it’s been therapeutic to get these thoughts and feelings out of my head and into this blog so I am going to be pretty consistent for a while at least…

WAY back in the day… Let’s say 30(ish) years or so… I was all about the weightlifting.  I understood it very well and got the concepts of sport specific exercises.  I built myself a good program and it carried me through high school and college sports.  At one point I could bench press 250lb and squat INSANE amounts (nearly 500lb).  All of which probably accounts for my dwarf like thickness and appearance…

However, once I stopped playing baseball, I stopped lifting.  I didn’t touch weights again until about 4 years ago and even since then I have been very inconsistent.  Even during those times where I have been consistently lifting, I didn’t set up a structured program.  I just went to the gym, started at one set of machines and lifted until I got tired.  I didn’t really have a structured program.

So in light of recent events I decided to get a bit more serious about lifting weights again.  The goal is simply to increase strength and tone without building mass.  I’ve got plenty of that already.  Since my son wanted to continue lifting and he is old enough now to begin adding more weight, I went back to an old plan that I could still remember and built a full on, structured, rigid PLAN for both of us to use.

It’s pretty simple actually.  First we went to the gym and picked the exercises we were going to do.  I wanted him, for now, to do a full body workout three times per week.  He can, once he gets in shape, switch it to focus days (upper, lower, core, etc.) if he wants but for now, both of us need overall strength and tone.  We came up with about 20 exercises and then did max lifts on all of them.  We recorded the numbers and then I took them back and made a spreadsheet that calculated 65% of max.  These were our starting numbers.  We then went to the gym and, using these numbers (or as close as we could get), attempted to do 3 sets (I did 10, Sam did 8 reps).

The results, for me anyway, were sad.  I had to cut another 10-20 % off of most exercises as I just could not do 3 full sets.  On several exercises I just bonked completely and by the end, I couldn’t even finish my push ups or dips.  I just had no gas left.  I hadn’t been that spent in a long time.  Sam pretty much had the same result.

I didn’t really expect to be able to get through everything the first time (or the first few weeks actually).  I’m just not in “total body” shape.  Oddly enough (not)… the only exercises I was able to successfully complete were leg exercises.  Hmmm… ignore my upper body much?  I could probably drop the leg exercises altogether since I run and ride, but I want to work other muscle groups (or parts of them) that don’t usually get used, so I will keep them for now.  I thought that the swimming would help but not so much.

So my new goal is to bench press my weight.  I can either do this by really bumping up my weightlifting over the next 6 months or by losing enough weight that I achieve stasis.  I fear that I will probably have to do the latter…

This whole thing has been an exercise in humble for me.  My once strong upper body has atrophied from lack of use.  I can’t do one chin up.  My bench max was 180.  The only bright spot was my leg press was over 400 and my squat max was 370.  I probably could have done more if I had a belt.

It’s hard not to view a lot of things very negatively right now.  It’s hard not to be frustrated.  I put in more miles than ever last year and gained weight (not good weight) and now seeing how far I have to go with lifting… The mountain just got a little taller.  But I’ll get there.  I’m moving in the right direction.  I know that this is good for me so all I can do is have fun with it and make the gym my beyatch….

I did manage to get on a treadmill last night just to warm up a bit.  First run in 2 weeks.  And it brought to mind this quote for the day:

“If you think a minute goes by really fast, you have obviously never been on a treadmill” –unknown

First real run in 2 weeks tomorrow.  Wish me luck (or point and laugh… either works)

Bombulum Sine Timore!

As I approach then end of the first week, I think I’m gonna call it a success.  Granted, I still have tomorrow to go but I got through the weekend OK so I am marginally satisfied.  No alcohol and only the occasional handful of chips (we still have some in the house and SOMEONE has to eat them… ).  The biggest difference by far is my weekly totals for exercise.  Two days of spin, 3 days swimming, one walk, two weightlifting sessions.  NO running.  On purpose…!  I don’t think I really even wanted to.

I will, of course, start back up next week and go back to my 3-4 days of running but will be shortening my distances.  My longest run per month will be 10 miles and I will only do that once a month for a while.  I am looking to add speed work back in to the mix.  I don’t really even know why… I just want to.  So I’m gonna.  Maybe I’ll even go back to the Wednesday night track workouts again.  They were fun, in a sick, twisted kind of way.

I still have no plans or goal races.  MAYBE the Olympic at Branson in the fall, if all goes well (it got taken over from Ironman by Rev3 so it’s still a go).  Other than that I might test myself with a 5 or 10K here or there.  Maybe a sprint or olympic tri.  I still haven’t been able to actually COMPETE in one of the Kansas City area triathlons as I have been chased off by bad weather 3 times in a row.  Again, this is not the important thing right now.  Health, well being and fitness are my concerns this year.  Races are fun distractions.  The hard work is at the dinner table.

Speaking of which, I did NOT cut back on anything this week.  Yes, I stopped drinking alcohol, but other than that it was pretty much status quo.  I did not eat out or eat any extra though.  I have so many bad eating habits if I tackled them all at once my body would stop working in revolt.  While cold turkey is the best way to stop drinking, I need to ease my body down off the food a little at a time.  Oh… and I also ate my first fruit in almost six months… That is sad.

So this week, I work on “pre-eating”.  That is, eating while I am waiting to eat.  I do this all the time when I am cooking especially.  I will munch or graze while I cook.  Or if someone else is cooking, I will have a snack 15 minutes before the meal is ready.  Adds hundreds of calories a day.  Not good.  I will also work on having one glass of water immediately before each meal and eliminate second helpings.  This may take a couple of weeks to get right so I need to be patient.  After that, I will slowly start to cut my portion sizes back a little.  All told, I should be on my “new normal” eating routine in about a month and a half.  I know it seems like a long time, but when you consider it is going to be a lifetime thing, a month and a half is nothing.

I start on my lifting program today.  Sam and I did our max lifts last week and built a program off of them.  He is doing 3 sets of 8 reps at 75% of max and I am doing 3 sets of 10 at 65%.  I am doing less because I want to build strength without bulking up.  The lifting days are kinda weird but I have to fit it into my schedule as well as my lifting partner/son’s schedule.  So we have to lift Sunday, Tuesday and Friday.  The good news is the gym isn’t as busy on those days.

My wife and I are almost done measuring our range of motion for stretching.  On a scale of red (not so good), yellow, green, blue (nobody should be this flexible)… she is mostly greens and I am mostly reds.  Not surprising and, hey… it gives me a lot of room to improve!  I will be incorporating this into my lifting routine as well as every other day I can manage it.  If you are looking for me on Sunday, Tuesday or Friday… I will be at the ARC.  ALL DAMN DAY…

In order of priority, my intentions for this year from this point forward are:

1. Get control of my nutrition
2. Attain a healthy weight
3. Increase flexibility
4. Get better at swimming
5. Get some running speed back

There is a masters swim class at the ARC this spring that I am considering taking (depending on who coaches it) if anyone is interested.  Pain is lessened if shared.

Finally, today’s quote comes indirectly, from my friend Jake.  Originally it was applied to an inspirational poster telling us we should live our lives more like our dogs.  The quote was “Fart without shame”.  And while this is VERY profound and teaches SO many lessons, Jake actually improved it for us athletes.  So, I give you… “Fart without fear!”

As I stated earlier, I want this, in latin, on all my workout gear.  So here it is:  Bombulum sine timore!

ps.  Karen Jones, if you read this, “Pedere” is actually “feet”, not fart.  Which still sounds cool, “FEET WITHOUT FEAR!”… but not quite the point I’m trying to make…   And yes, you latin snobs can feel free to argue amongst yourselves about the actual translation.  Unless you can convince me that there is a cooler word for fart than Bombulum (and cite your sources… and NO, Google Translate is not a source), I have my translation.  And before you get too serious, please think about the phrase you are trying to translate… I mean… Really?

On being weak…

Went into the lion’s den for the first time since declaring myself invincible last night.  I think I did OK.  In English, I went to a brew pub to say goodbye to some friends that are leaving and I did not drink or eat anything.  To say it was difficult was an understatement.  Especially when, being a beer aficionado (ex), the street board out front was advertising their barley wine.  One of my all time favorite beers.  No, instead I quietly and painfully sipped my coffee and stared longingly at the pizza being eaten.  I tried not to be obvious but will admit to wiping a bit of drool from my chin on occasion.  Mostly at the beer…

This is how I measure success now.  Can I say no.  Can I sit at the bar and order water.  Can I have salad at the pizza buffet.  Can I do all of this without turning into an angry, bitter, troll.  And most importantly, can I do it for the rest of my life.  In theory (if I live an average male lifespan), I only need to do it about 10,000 more times and I will go to the grave a winner.  But who is counting?  Certainly not me.  Remember my last post?

In some discussions last night it was clear that people were trying to apply what I was saying to their lifestyle and engage me in arguments about the pros and cons of drinking beer as an athlete.  I kept telling them that this was a personal battle.  That my body was different.  I’m not sure they got it.  The one doc I have spoken with genuinely about being an athlete, dealing with weight issues and the ups and downs of alcohol explained it thus.  My body does not metabolize alcohol… AT ALL (this is GENERALIZING… doctor friends, don’t beat me up for the rudimentary explanation).  This means that every calorie I take in from alcohol goes directly to fat.  That, plus all the extra calories in the drink itself (of course I couldn’t like light beers at 100 calories… Oh no… My favorites have 300-500 calories a pint) are an absolute no win, no matter HOW much I exercise.  Not to mention the bar food that goes along with it and my absolute inability to turn down nachos or wings and you can see how bad this gets.

It was also very clear last winter when I changed my habits for the “Biggest Loser” challenge.  The results were obvious.  I dropped inches and pounds very successfully.  However, when the challenge was over and I started with the old eating/drinking habits again, the weight shot back on (and even went up MORE) EVEN THOUGH I was doing much longer and harder workouts.  Hmm… lessee… good nutrition/no drinking…?  Lose weight.  Eat garbage/drink garbage…?  Puff up like a toad.  Even I can figure that out.

So I got to thinking about why I was eating so poorly and drinking so much.  It boils down to a vicious cycle that is incredibly easy to slip into and damn near impossible to bail out of.  First, I started working out more and pushing my limits.  But I did so at too heavy a weight.  This put extra stress on my ankles, knees, pelvis and back (remember, I have a bionic back and a big zipper of a scar to prove it).  I would come home from workouts incredibly sore and tired (but I couldn’t sleep…).  Tylenol/Advil did not help and I don’t have anything stronger. Nor would I take chemicals regularly anyway… just trading one bad habit (alcohol) for another (Percoset, et al.) is another level of stupid even I wouldn’t approach.  Alcohol is cheap (relatively), readily available and eases the pain.  However, it also comes with a tolerance that slowly builds until you have to put away a LOT of it to ease the pain.  This, in turn, puts on more weight.  …and repeat.  Each cycle getting progressively worse.  The bad food habits (MAN I love chips…) were just enhanced by the beer.

My tipping point was Christmas.  After completing the 12 days of Christmas running challenge, I couldn’t walk up the stairs, sit in a chair for more than 10 minutes and was averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night.

So how am I going to try to break the cycle?  Cut back on mileage, go low impact (bike/swim) more, strength train and focus on weight loss FIRST.

My other problem is (and ALWAYS has been) will power.  Like I told my wife, last night it took EVERY OUNCE of my will power not to order one of those yummy barley wines and a pizza.  The problem is I only have about ONE ounce of will power.  That’s not much to give in a food fight.  And the problem is that I could (and have) say “no” a thousand times, but I don’t WANT to and have never been able to convince myself it’s the right thing to do, even if I do it.  It just pisses me off.  That is the part that has to change for this to be a lifetime thing.

See, I can’t do the “in moderation” thing.  For two reasons.  First, as stated before, my body does not metabolize alcohol so even one drink is detrimental.  Second, with me, there is no such thing as “one drink” (remember that “will power” thing?).

Sure, it’s my fault.  I’m weak.  That’s been one of the toughest things to come to grips with.

But just like the only way to run faster is to… well… run faster…  The only way to get better at weight control is by… taking control of my weight.

I’ve gotten a lot of encouragement from people who have thanked me for saying things that they have been thinking.  They say it takes courage to admit weakness and transgression.  While I thank them for this I also remind them that I am merely sharing my personal journey.  The only person that needs to own and/or personalize this is me.  And that they shouldn’t think that I am making general statements about what I think everyone should do.  We all walk our own path.  I’m sharing mine.  I would never tell anyone else where or how to walk.

Maybe I hope it will help keep me honest with myself.

Finally and completely unrelatedly (is that a word?), as I troll the internet I stumble on awesome things people say, some intentionally, some by accident.  I am going to start sharing those here just for fun.  I’ve got a ton of them but I start with my friend Rhodri, who gave me this random gem that had me giggling for days.  You have to be a gamer to even understand it (bonus points if you get the game right), but it is profound in it’s simplicity, randomness and irony.

“Never pick up a duck in a dungeon”

Done with countdowns

One of the problems I have with most fitness type goals is that they have an end.  The whole “This is day (X) of (XXX)” defines an end.  And while there is some merit in doing this with certain types of goals…

…then what?

Are you done?  In some cases, as with a race goal, yes.  You are done.  Which can actually be a negative.  Anybody ever experienced PRD?  Post Race Depression?  I have and I know many who do.  It’s the big let down after the months of work and anxiety leading up to an “A” race.  Once the runner’s high is gone you are left empty and feeling like you have to start all over again with some new goal.  It can be overwhelming and frustrating.

I think this is even worse with weight goals.  You work hard and change the things you need to and all the while you have a number in mind.  “I’ve lost 12 of 30 pounds!”  Great!  What happens when you get to 30?  Then what?

The danger is…  you stop.  You know… “Hey!  I made it!  Now gimme a beer!!!”

The point is, in my feeble mind…  Deadlines, countdowns and the like imply a finish line that, in pure fitness terms, doesn’t exist.  Once you achieve a goal like a weight loss target YOU ARE NOT DONE!  You are never done.  The reason so many people (myself definitely included) fail at fitness goals is that we don’t think long term.  Even a year is SHORT term when you are talking about fitness.  Success comes only when you die at your target weight.  Until then, it is a constant, day by day, minute by minute, struggle.

I know that is not a pretty way to look at it.  But that IS reality.  Once you start up that hill, walk like you mean it, because you have a long way to go.  Like the rest of your life.  NOT that 30 pound goal.  Once you hit that goal, you are just starting.  Maintaining it forever (or as long as you think it’s important) is an even bigger challenge.  And one that most people, including athletic trainers, fail to address as a reality.

I know, I know.  What’s my point?

I was just thinking about all this as I was swimming this morning.  I think it’s one of the many things I have been doing wrong.  And I’m NOT saying you shouldn’t set number goals.  God forbid I should even insinuate that lest my number junkie friends lynch me.  What I am saying is numbers and distances can’t be what it’s all about.  You will either hit them and then have to start all over with something else or you won’t get there and be constantly frustrated by them.

I don’t know.  Maybe I want or need to think globally and act locally right now.  The global goal is to be in the weight classification the government considers “healthy”.  With the ultimate goal to be right in the middle of that range.  But right now, today, this minute, all I can do is the small things.  Start to change my eating habits.  Eliminate alcohol.  Exercise.  That’s all I can do today.  In technical and cold terms, I need to operate at a caloric deficit of approximately 500 calories per day.  But even that leads to foolish manipulation of eating habits, skipping meals and doing that extra workout, just to meet the numbers.

But on a very personal level, I just need to breathe.  Sometimes hard, sometimes not so hard.  I need to eat.  As best I can given where I want to be.  And… I need to relax.  I need to bring the joy back to my runs and rides and swims and hikes and whatever other crazy things I decide to do.

See, what I finally realized was that it was the numbers that caused the stress.  And with me, and this is my WORST habit… food is comfort.  And so is beer, wine, etc.  Every deadline, timeline or waistline I missed drove me crazy.  I hated myself most of the time I was training.  Nothing was good enough.  So I ate and or drank to make myself feel better.  See the ugly cycle there?  There is no chance of success in that scenario.

So today, I swam.  Yes, I know how far I swam.  But it doesn’t matter.  I was there.  I saw friends I hadn’t seen in months.  And it felt good.

Tonight, I am going to the gym with my son.  We are going to start lifting again.  The irony here is that we are going to do max lifts tonight to set our (VERY) structured program with.  Some things still need numbers… He is old enough to lift bigger weights but still young enough not to know how far to push and I personally believe you can’t screw around with a weightlifting program or you risk serious injury.  However, we WON’T be setting any max GOALS.  We need to know where we are.  Where we go depends on things we can’t even see yet.  So we’ll just have fun with it and see where it goes.

And finally, I am starting a stretching program with my wife.  We are using The Whartons Stretch Book.  It is almost, but not quite, yoga.  And it has stretches specific to triathletes in it to work the areas we neglect the most.  This is something I should have done 30 years ago.

So let’s review.

What I am saying is:

• FOR ME, timelines, deadlines and countdowns are not working.  If you like them and they motivate you, move along.  Nothing to see here.
• FOR ME, timelines, etc. define an end that doesn’t really exist.  I want to hit my goal weight in less than a year but I want to maintain it until I take my last breath (if trying to achieve it doesn’t kill me first…).  That’s the only timeline that is important.  That means the changes that I made were permanent.
• FOR ME, the process has to become the most important thing.  I have to pay attention to my habits and choices every second.  Those are the things that have to change.  Otherwise it doesn’t matter how far or fast I can go.  I’ll still never get where I want to go.

 

Switching priorities

When you run lots of long, slow, painful miles alone… you think about stuff…

I have been skipping my regular doses of reality lately.  Living in a mind full of big dreams and lofty goals.  But starting on the 13th of December, I received a loading dose plus a couple of double strength doses.  The hardest dose to take was where I am, physically.

I started a little exercise with some friends called “The 12 days of Christmas running”.  Like it sounds, this challenge is to run 12 on the first day, 11 on the second day, etc. until you get to 1 mile on the day before Christmas.  As you could expect, the key here is to run SLOW and survive the first 4-5 days.  The rest is easy.  I decided to take the challenge to see where I was at physically.  If I am to run a marathon in early April, I should be at about 30-40 miles per week by now as a norm with at least a couple of days a month up over 14 miles.  I had been running about 30 miles a week but only on 4 days a week.  I wanted to see what it would feel like to run every day and how my recovery time would be.  In short, it was awful.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I expected to be tired.  I expected to be sore.  I even pushed it out so that I ended up running a 60 mile week.  My longest ever.  Over the 12 days I ended up running 85+ miles.  All of them very slow and as comfortable as I could make them.  Most of the miles were on the road or trail, but a few of them were offroad (about 14).  While this would seem like a great accomplishment (and in some ways, it really was), it really forced me to look at myself for the first time in a long time.  I really didn’t like what I saw.  I am dangerously overweight.  And I don’t know why.  One would think that weight wouldn’t be a problem… but that is not the case.  And after about the 4th day of running my knees began to hurt, as did my hips/butt.  And it was in that old “familiar” way that really concerned me.  I was also slowing down.  I usually run between 7:45 and 8:00 miles on a normal 6-9 mile run.  I set my goal pace at 9:00 for the challenge and though I started out where I wanted, by the 6th day I was running 9:45-10:00 miles and suffering the whole way through.  And besides that, I couldn’t walk up or down stairs and every step was painful in my ankles, knees, hips and groin.

So let’s talk reality.

It’s no secret to those who know me that weight has always been an issue for me.  I have never been able to successfully balance exercise and good eating habits and marry them into a healthy body.  I have always thought that if I ever COULD get my weight down, I could be very competitive, even at my age.  I think I am still capable of running miles in the 6:00-6:30 range and could easily push a bike up over 23 mph.  I’ve done both for short periods of time, although not in the same race.  Not world class, but pretty fast.  The one thing that is getting in the way is weight.  I am running mid pack right now but I’m carrying an extra 35lb with me.  What could I do if it was gone?

So the reality is this.  The extra weight I carry around with me and can’t seem to lose (or that I keep re-finding) is 1.) Hurting me physically.  It puts undo pressure on my knees, hips and probably heart as well, and 2.) Getting in the way of me achieving any goals I set.  I can’t do any of the things I mentioned above, nor can I realistically, and more importantly, “safely”, run long distances or push hard in training.

I need to change some things.

First, my eating habits are deplorable.  I have taken it for granted that I could just go workout some more if I ate poorly or drank beer.  While this logic may work for some, it does not work for me.

Second, I make poor choices.  It is far too easy for me to talk myself into bad habits.

Third, my goals are from dreamland.  Let’s face it, I had no business doing a half ironman this last fall and paid the consequences.  I had no idea what I was doing and was very poorly trained.  The more I have thought about that race, the more foolish I realize it was.  And dangerous.  I have never felt that bad immediately after a race and have never had a blood sugar problem at a race (or ever).  I was not in proper shape to run that race and it could have killed me.  Just to let everyone who didn’t see me at Nationals know… and this is sad and embarrassing to admit… I went into that race 10 pounds HEAVIER than when I started training for it in the spring.  And, no, it wasn’t muscle weight.

Fourth, I drank the triathlete Kool-Aid.  I listened to all of those success stories of weight loss, personal achievement, surviving personal tragedy, overcoming diseases and limitations and wanted to be one of those people.  I thought that since I was (or, used to be) a competitive athlete, that I could figure it out and that the training would fix my weight problem.  That I would be the one eventually telling my story.  I forgot about balance.  I forgot about control.

So what do I do about this…

First, I need to listen to my body.  It is saying, today, that it cannot handle what I am asking it to do.  It is saying medium distances like Olympic distance triathlons and 10K to 1/2 marathon distance races are all it can do.  And until I lose that same damn 35 pounds I have been fighting with for 4 years.  I can do no more.  The consequence of doing more right now would be hurting myself to the point that I can’t do this stuff anymore.  And that would be tragic.

Second, I need to change my focus.  I need to change my eating habits and food lifestyle and my ONLY goal needs to be to get the weight off.  This means less push ups and more push AWAYS (from the table).  It also means more bicep curls and NO 12 ounce curls.  It also means NOT setting race or distance goals until I am at a safe weight to do so.  I can still train at a reasonable rate and work out hard, but within limits.

And I need your help.  Don’t change anything you are doing around me.  Do invite me all the usual rides, runs and social stuff.  But please understand if I say “no” or pass on the beer.  And I know you  have heard me say this before so don’t roll your eyes and say “here we go again”.  My struggle with weight is equal to any challenge you have ever attempted.  Imagine running or riding THOUSANDS of miles… but the odometer never changes…  If you worked that hard and never went anywhere… wouldn’t you be frustrated?

The new plan for 2013

Achieve and maintain my target weight of 165-170lb

NO.  I will not be running a spring marathon.  It’s not safe for me right now to do so at my weight.

NO.  I will not be running (as of this writing) the Heart of America marathon in September.  The only way this would change is if I am able to hit my target weight by June 1.  If not, there is always next year.

NO.  I will not be running an ultra in the fall.

YES.  I will do races.  Which ones I do depend on how my training and weight loss goals go.  As of today, though, I do not plan on anything longer than a 10K run or Sprint triathlon.  Again, the only way this would change is if my goal weight is achieved.  I do not, however, plan on doing anything longer than half marathon or Olympic this year even if I hit my target weight.  Again, it’s just not healthy right now.

YES.  I will be hitting the gym for weightlifting, spin classes, etc.

YES.  I will finally start that stretching program I should have been doing all along.

YES.  This is frustrating.

NO.  This has nothing to do with resolutions or new years.

So anyway, if you see more of me, or (preferably) less of me in the coming months, hopefully you will now understand why.  I could be at every race or none of them.  Races are not important right now.  And they won’t be until I’m healthy.