Retiring around the edges

I’ve really been having a tough time running lately.  My knees, which have never given me problems before, are not happy.  It’s even more odd that it is both of them in the same place.  In the front, just to the inside of the kneecap.  Probably just old age and treachery catching up with me.  But it’s kind of depressing.  About the only thing I can do now is swim.

Yeah, yeah… I know.  So shut up and swim.

The boy and I are still lifting pretty routinely (as much as my schedule allows) and that doesn’t hurt my knees.  In fact, my leg press weights are going up.  I did, however, drop squats from the list.  I have added more shoulder and core stuff instead.  Still no dips yet.  My shoulders are still a bit pissed at me.

Way back in the day, I took a kayaking class in college.  It was the full whitewater class.  We were in whitewater boats with spray skirts and learned to roll, etc.  Our final was on one of the few whitewater rivers in Oklahoma.  It was fun but we never got to anything above about a class 2-3.  Another one of my classmates lost her paddle in one of the few bumpy spots and crashed into me, knocking us both out of our boats and sending me (an admitted poor swimmer at the time) on a hair raising ride down the river.  Although I was in no real danger, it let me know that if I ever wanted to kayak, I really needed to learn to swim.  I marked that one off the list and never went back.

Recently though, in the past few years I have been thinking about kayaking again.  Not whitewater, although Missouri has some good stuff, but flat water.  For exercise and adventure.  We have a couple of great spots very close to home and it would be a great break from the swim/bike/run routine (since I can’t find anyplace smooth enough to endurance skate in this state!).  It’s low impact and, most importantly, I can swim 2 miles without stopping now.  I think I’m good if I fall out of the boat…

However, in this age of downsizing and cutting back on hobbies, this would seem to be the last thing I need.  I didn’t give it much thought.  In fact, I put it in the “WANT” pile on my wish list and had mostly moved on.  However, having friends that like outdoor pursuits can be a good thing and a bad thing.  A friend of mine who is getting more into kayaking just upgraded to a faster boat and she was selling her old one.  It’s a stable little kayak.  Great for beginners.  Light enough to transport on top of my tiny car.  She even had a paddle and seat for it.

*sigh*

Sometimes opportunity comes along and you have to jump on it.  I was selling a bike trainer and some other stuff and had just enough money to get it, so I did.  I’m still not sure how I’m going to transport it, but what the hell.  I’ve spent a lot of my life wishing I had capitalized on opportunities and regretting missing them.  This won’t be one of them.  And, since I will most likely be working until I die, I might as well have my “retirement” around the edges of work and have fun when I can.  The only problem (besides transportation) that I see now is having to wait until the weather warms up…

My irrational fear of the day is that I will love it.

Yes, I said that.

What I mean is that there are 4 of us and we have 1 kayak.  Even as I was writing the check I was thinking this probably won’t be the only one we get.  The I had a flash of 4 kayaks and all the peripherals that go along with them.  A trailer, tow hitch for the van, paddles, life vests, helmets (for whitewater), etc.  and then I broke out in a cold sweat.  This used, $200 kayak is probably going to cost me thousands of dollars.

Then I will be faced with choices.  We have a very finite amount of money.  So to add something like this to the mix, the only way is to sell something else…  But what?  Woodworking stuff?  Triathlon/biking stuff?  Kidneys?  Plasma?

I don’t know.  I’m lost on this one.  I guess I’ll just wait and see.  I do know that I can’t let myself regret buying the kayak though.  I think it will be a fun new adventure for the whole family.  And that’s what I really want.  I hope they like it as much as I know I will.  Even if it does cost me a kidney…

No quote today but just to share that we have named the kayak Jammy Dodger I.  Bonus points if you can tell me what movie that is from.

Live! …yer gonna die anyway so you might as well do it with style!

For anyone that has been around me long enough, you know how I feel about getting old.  It’s bullshit.

Not so much the physical aging.  That I have accepted.  It is inevitable.  It is how we feel about it.  React to it.  And most ashamedly… try desperately to put it off in our later years by “taking care of ourselves”… that’s the bullshit.

My philosophy is simple.  I want people to walk up to my coffin, look inside and say “WHOA… He wore that bone bag out!” “He’s glad he’s gone because his body didn’t have much left to give!”

It’s just like with money.  You CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU!  If I get to my coffin and people look inside and say “He looks so good… so peaceful…”, then I screwed up.

Now granted, I don’t want bones sticking out from some fantastically fatal Parkour accident off the 6th floor of the parking structure downtown… but I wouldn’t mind…

Sorry to be so morbid… and I’m really not trying to be.  This is my philosophy for LIVING.  I know that sounds crazy, but it’s just the way I am.  I like to take physical risks.  I don’t mind getting hurt.  You can’t be scared of life or you will never do anything.  Living CAUSES death.  The only thing you have control of is the style points you get along the way.  They usually come in the form of scars…  or tattoos… or REALLY great stories (that DON’T start with “One day while I was having a salad”…).

I used to be an even greater risk taker.  But the first time I held my son in my arms, things changed.  I stopped my dreams of having a Harley.  I gave up on being a police officer.  But I didn’t give up on living.  Everybody who has read this blog knows the gyrations my life has taken.  Thank the gods that the only right decision I ever made was to marry THE most patient and tolerant woman in the world.  Who, on frequent occasion, just shakes her head at me (and hands me the family fun sized bottle of Tylenol) because she knows that is just who I am.

I LIKE to push myself.  I LIKE to come out of a particularly hairy section of a mountain biking trail or some other crazy endeavor and think to myself… MAN!  I shoulda died right then!  I LIKE the feeling of being so totally spent by a workout that all I want to do is breathe…  I need that.

So.

How do you balance that with your own personal, physical limits?

I mean… I WANT to run a marathon again.  I WANT to do an Ironman full distance race someday.  I WANT to do a long mountain bike race (Leadville) or Ultra (Leadville).  But recent events have proven this to be most likely unattainable, simply because of my own physical limits.  I may WANT to do these things… But currently, I physically CAN’T.  And remember that aging thing I talked about?  …yeah.  That.  It’s creeping up.

This is where reality hits.  Where RESPONSIBILITY hits.  I have a family who depend on me for support.  Killing myself trying to do some crazy distance or event is just stupid.  And after Red Man I really think anything longer would, literally, kill me.  Or at least be so detrimental that I couldn’t support my family.  And something else everyone who knows me is aware of is that family comes first.  The bottom line is that I have to be ready to answer the bell on Monday morning.  EVERY Monday morning.

So how do I balance out my need to be responsible with my need to be irresponsible…

First.  I need to correct that sentence.  How do I balance out my “need” to be responsible with my “WANT” to be irresponsible.

Is it possible to still get style points while “toning it down”?  Can I get that “totally spent” feeling from a 5K?  What can I do to maintain the “challenge” but still stare down reality?

I really don’t know.  I have more questions than answers.

I do know this, though.  I will continue to push myself.  Within my newly defined limits, of course.  But I will push.  Faster.  More intense.  New challenges.  Combinations I haven’t tried before.  I’m not going to stop living because I have hit my physical limits.  I’m just going to live a little bit more intensely inside those limits for a while.  Occasionally popping out to measure myself against a greater goal, but mostly inside the boundaries of reality.

…mostly.

Today’s quote defines one of my greatest fears in life… regret.

It’s better to look back on life and say ‘I can’t believe I did that” than say: “I wish I had done that”.

Not so revolutionary revelations

Futility is defined as doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.  It is one of the prime words I use to describe my last year of training and fitness efforts.  I cranked up the mileages on everything and totally ignored nutrition.  I ate junk, drank lots of beer and just told myself that the exercise would cover me.  Then I wondered why I wasn’t losing weight or getting in better shape…  Gee… I wonder?

Another saying I am slowly seeing the wisdom of is “Most of the hard work in getting fit is done at the dinner table”.  It really doesn’t matter how hard you work out.  If you can’t control yourself at the table, you are wasting your time.

None of these things are revelations.  It just took me a while to admit them.  I wanted to think that I could still eat what I wanted and run the weight off.  That doesn’t happen.  At least, for me.  But, that doesn’t mean I didn’t try.  I spent the majority of the last two years, actually, trying this technique out and wondering why it wasn’t working.  But I kept doing it anyway.

I think it all goes back to that “food as comfort” habit that I have developed over my lifetime.  I have always relied on food to make me feel better when I am hurt or stressed.  Same goes for beer.  I have called alcohol “liquid painkiller” for decades now.  I actually started the “food as comfort” thing when I blew out my back.  Both before and after surgery I would eat or have a beer to dull the ever present pain.  I told myself it was better to eat another piece of pizza than it was to get addicted to painkillers.  Actually I was just trading one addiction for another.  My addiction was food.  And when the surgery takes YEARS to heal from (almost 10 in my case), that addiction gets set pretty deep.

It’s better though.  I’m slowly coming around.  I ate well better last month and had beer once and wine once.  I only ran about 10 miles total.  I did, however, manage to make the pool 3 times a week, spun or rode at least 10 times and lifted 3 times a week.  Not surprisingly, I’m down 5 pounds.  That works for me.  Now let’s just see if I can do that for another 5 or 6 months.  The goal for February is to maintain what I have started and add back in a little more running.  And also to eliminate the beer/wine.  I don’t need it anymore.  It actually made me feel pretty crappy for a couple of days afterwards as well.  I just need to keep reminding my body (and brain) that I can live without it.  So far, so good.

Speaking of running.  Following December’s 140 mile debacle I tried to take all of January off.  This self imposed ban was the longest I have (almost) not run unless injured since I got to Columbia.  After a little initial anxiety I have to say… I didn’t miss it a bit.  My body certainly liked the break.  My knees are not as crunchy and I can go up and down stairs better now.  I ran three times last month.  The Runner’s Choice 10K, once at Rock Bridge (3 miles) and once at Bear Creek/Rhett’s Run (3.5 miles).  Just under a 13 mile… month.  I have been so used to 13 mile RUNS that a 13 mile MONTH was hard to get my brain around.  Even though I am working out a lot, I still felt guilty for not running.  But honestly, the more I thought about it.  The less guilt I actually had.  I’m doing plenty and a break for my legs may just save them.  The other thing that I really enjoyed was BEING DONE in less than an hour.  Don’t get me wrong, I will run long again soon but to get a little exercise in and not feel like I just needed to lay down for the rest of the day was kinda new to me.  To all of my long running friends, keep it up!  I will see you at the coffee shop afterwards.  Run long and prosper… Or is that “taper”…

I think I’m ready now to reset my running schedule.  Shorter runs, more speed and hill work, 20 mile weeks maximum, 10 maximum distance per run (and that only once a month).  My legs feel good again and like the shorter, more intense workout.  Hopefully they continue to like it.  I know that as I lose weight it will feel better.  I’m hoping I can resist the long run urge.  Like I said, I will run long again… later.  Not now.  Maybe not this year.  It all just depends on how the weight loss goes.

“The truth is you ALWAYS know the right thing to do…  The hard part is doing it.”

All because of a gear puller

About 10 years ago I woke up one morning, got my coffee (as usual) and started wandering the house, looking for my wife.  She was pregnant with our daughter at the time.  I found her standing at the open door to the garage, staring at my nifty 57 Chevy pickup… shaking her head.  I asked her what was wrong and in a very matter of fact way she said “We’re gonna need to get rid of that thing”, gesturing disgustedly at the truck.  And as big a blow to my manhood as that was, she was right and I knew it.  Room for 2 1/2, lap belts only, no airbags, etc.  Not exactly your family mover.  We sold it shortly thereafter.  And I have been slowly bleeding car specific tools ever since as well.

I have this horrible habit of choosing hobbies (and fitness pursuits) that work that way.  Here’s another example:

I have a woodshop.  No.  Not just a few tools.  Damn near everything one would need to be a true craftsman.  It has taken over 15 years to collect my tools, but I estimate I have about $30,000 worth of them in my little shop.  They have, in some cases, served me well.  I built my entire kitchen cabinets down there.  I did an OK job for never having built cabinets before.  In fact, many things in this house are from that shop.  About a year ago I decided to go down to my shop (read: black hole into which dad pours money) and turn a finial on my lathe.  With all the flatwork I have been doing (flatwork is cabinets, boxes, furniture, etc.) I realized that I hadn’t turned anything in over a year.  The finial should have taken about 45 minutes to turn.  But 4 hours later, after I had disassembled the lathe to fix a rusted shaft and then sharpened all of my tools so they would actually cut wood… I was done.  I walked away from the lathe and never turned another piece.  Why?  I just don’t have the time to devote to it that you need to be good at it.  I sold it in December and the thing that got me thinking about all of this was that, ironically enough, the guy that bought it ran into the same problem with it binding up and called me for help.  As I was looking for the gear puller I used so I could give it to him (he will need it more than me)  I found, buried deep in a tool chest, my steering wheel puller from the old truck.

This all kind of sent me into a spiral.  I thought a lot about that old truck, tools, my shop, my choices and a lot of other things.  I became very frustrated with myself.  Very disappointed.  My shop has been relegated to history.  Cobwebs cover a lot of it.  I can go months without ever going down there.  It used to be my sanctuary.  I loved being in it, turning stuff on the lathe, creating, planning…  dreaming.  But now it’s just a neglected tool storage shed.  Another waste of money.  The only reason all of my tools aren’t for sale now is simply because I have a few projects on the drawing board that may need them.

Granted, I derived great pleasure from creating things in that shop, for years.  But now I feel like spending days on end down there working on something is taking time away from my family and other things that I think are more important.  My priorities have changed.

See… I think that anybody can stick boards together and call it a shelf.  But it takes a long time to build something the right way.  Finishing a piece alone can take many weeks.  Painful little details that I only barely have patience for can make or break a project.  And, indeed, that is where most of the tools come in to play.  I have some tools I have only used once but have owned for 10 years.  They make a certain kind of cut or joint that can’t be done any other way.  I may never need them again… but if I do…

But the bottom line is I have too many hobbies and too much stuff.  I need to simplify.

I did this once before.  In 2004 I was playing roller hockey 2 nights a week, mountain biking 3 days a week, playing softball 2 nights a week, running 3 days a week… oh.  And I had a wife, kid and job… and we played in the SCA on the weekends.   I’ve always been one to try or play any sport or hobby.  And once I get hooked, I’m all in.  So you can imagine all the gear (and smell… hockey stuff and SCA fighting gear STINKS).  I had one pair of jeans but 3 pairs of baseball pants. Backwards?  Probably…

I was out of control.  Maybe I was desperate to stay in shape.  Maybe I wanted friends… I don’t know.  But between the fees, gear, gas and beer, I was never home and always broke.  I stopped playing hockey and softball and changed mountain biking courses so I could do it on the way home from work.  Eventually I even stopped mountain biking and just ran.  And then I stopped doing that too.

When we got here (CoMo) I decided to get back in shape and started with a clean slate.  I had my shop, yes, but no other hobbies.  We did not join back up with the SCA here so you would think my problems were solved.  But as I got hooked again on the running bug, my new friends were going farther and trying different types of races (offroad, etc.) and I wanted to keep up.  I started this whole triathlon thing and it comes with its own mileage goals and the junkies who push them.  I ran a marathon.  Several half marathons.  A sprint triathlon, then an olympic.  Some offroad events.  Long bike rides.  More gear (same jeans), more rides, swims, runs.

Until I finally realized, down in my shop, holding a gear puller for a truck I sold over 10 years ago…  That it was happening all over again.  Over the past 3 years I had been steadily increasing the mileages and races and stuff… to the point that I was completely overwhelmed with training.  I was burned out.  THAT is why I almost walked away from endurance sports after Redman.  That was why I had bailed on marathons, ultras, tri’s and the like.  I had so many conflicting goals that there was no way to train for them…  ANY of them.  You can’t train for a marathon AND triathlons (some people do, but not me).  You can’t train for a road marathon by running offroad or vice versa.  You can’t train for a 5K goal time while training for an ultra.

The key word there is “train”.  You can DO any or all of the above.  IF you are in good shape to start with AND you are genetically predisposed to endurance sports.  The rest of us slobs… not so much.  And the kicker is that the endurance crowd here in CoMo, lovable and supportive as they are, seem to be mostly made up of the genetically predisposed.  Trying to follow them around can be dangerous.  And frustrating.  Such was the condition I found myself in round about December.  The more I ran… the harder I pushed… the worse I got.

Why?  Well, to go round and round again… Let’s go back to woodworking.  I have a shop.  That doesn’t make me a craftsman.  I know how to use tools, that doesn’t make me an artist.  It makes me a tool collector.  To be good, first you need the basics.  An understanding of the craft.  Then you need time to practice.  Time to build lots of really bad pieces (AKA firewood) so that you can master the craft.

It’s the same way with fitness, triathlons, running, etc.  First you need a base.  You need to be in good shape (I am not).  I know how to run/bike/swim.  But that doesn’t make me a triathlete.  I can run a trail, but that doesn’t make me a trail runner.  I need to focus on the basics.  Get fit.  Build back up to a comfortable level and STAY THERE.  My limits are clearly defined.  Some, like distance, I know I can’t push.  Some, like speed, are based on fitness.  The more fit I am, the faster I go.  But ALL of them require time to FOCUS.  And I find that the only way I can be better at ANY of them is to not try to do a million different things.

So sitting down there in my shop with a steering wheel puller in my hand… I chose triathlons.  Sprint and olympic distance.  And NOT because it’s a sneaky way of overwhelming myself with 3 sports while calling it one.  I need fitness.  I also need to take care of my body while I am getting in shape.  Believe it or not, triathlons (for me) do just that.  There is no way I can pound myself with running 5 days a week because I have to train for the other two sports. And they are much low(er) impact.  They also work different muscle groups.  AND none of it takes that much time.  An hour and a half is my LONG day.  I used to push FIVE hours on my long day (and would spend the rest of that day resting).  Didn’t leave much time for yard work, eh?

What it really means more time for my family, more peace of mind for me, and, perhaps, a tiny bit more time in my shop?  …I never give up… do I…

GAWD that was rambling.  My apologies.  I just really needed to get that out of my head.

Today’s quote from Alice in Wonderland is to remind me to take the simple plan and stick to it:

“If you don’t know where you are going it really doesn’t matter which path you take.”

Opportunities and Kool-Aid

I have always believed that the opposite side of opportunity is regret.  I don’t want to look back on my life and lament all of the things I didn’t do.  Indeed, this is something that I tend to beat myself up for even today.  The “woulda coulda shoulda” thinking that leaves me shaking my head in frustration at myself for not doing something in life when I had the chance.  The same goes for fitness and exercise.

One of the glorious problems with living in CoMo is that you can drown in opportunities to exercise.  Or find yourself scrambling from workout to workout just so you don’t miss anything.  Why is this a problem?  Well, two reasons, actually.  First, there is an extreme danger of finding yourself overtrained (which leads to misery, pain and woe).  The second is that a lot of the fabulous athletes in CoMo that dream up these crazy workouts bring with them the Kool-Aid.  And you know what I mean.  They are going longer, harder, more frequently than you are.  BUT… If you can keep up, then maybe…

Before you know it you are not only overtrained, but you are signed up for an Ironman because a Kool-Aid pusher convinced you that, despite your 4 kids, demanding work schedule and lack of fitness… you would be fine.  And heck… if THEY can do it…

So, yes, opportunity needs to be sweetened with a big scoop of reality, but it remains a very attractive drink.

I have been on both sides of this.  I  have had WAY too much Kool-Aid (the half Ironman, a marathon, etc.) and paid for it.  But I have, on occasion been the Kool-Aid pusher as well.  Offering up whacky workouts or extra bike rides that attracted dozens.  I always try to temper them by adding a “this might be a tough workout” or “we will be riding at XX mph, slower riders need not apply” type of disclaimer, but it never works.  People just like me show up anyway because they are afraid for some personal reason to miss the opportunity.

I am not on a strict training program right now.  In fact, I’m not on ANY training program.  If there ever was a time in my life that I COULD be spontaneous or keep the bike in the car, just in case, it would be now.  But I really feel like I need to be careful.  I don’t need or WANT 80 mile bike rides or 16 mile runs.  But the this is what the Kool-Aid pushers usually offer up.  And when everybody goes to them and then talks about what a great time they had…  regret.

So how do you balance opportunity with reality?

I think first of all, you have to look realistically at yourself.  Everyone has limits.  They are nothing to be ashamed of.  But they need to be respected (and occasionally… pushed.  A little…).  For instance, I KNOW, given my current state of fitness, I can’t run a marathon.  While that is disappointing and perhaps tough to swallow, it’s reality.  It’s just not safe.  And I would regret a thousand times more if I pushed it too hard trying to get to a marathon and ended up taking myself out of the sport permanently, than I would for skipping marathons, this year.

The next step is to ask yourself what you CAN do.  Again, be realistic, but don’t be afraid to dream… a little.  I know I have tried to de-value goals a little bit so don’t take this as hypocritical, but make a plan for what you WANT.

My plan is to lose weight.  The goal weight is somewhere around 170 pounds.  Where my “plan” loosens up a little is how I get there.  The hard, fast rules are no alcohol, chips or sodas and stay away from fast food as much as possible.  After that, it’s wide open.  I’m giving myself permission to jump on any opportunity to exercise that comes along, even if it’s something completely out of bounds with a “triathlon training” plan.  I’m also giving myself permission (and this is the toughest one) to MISS a workout.  And I’m not setting a time limit on when I need to achieve my goal weight by.  If I lose a pound a week, great!  If I lose a pound a month, great!  The key is to keep moving forward.  If my legs hurt from a run, swim for a week.  If it’s beautiful outside and Rock Bridge is open, ride!  Take the opportunity while it exists.  ALL of these things are a part of my goal.

Another really important part of capitalizing on an opportunity is giving yourself permission to stay on your own path even if you take the opportunity.  You have to be able to tell yourself that it is OK to GO on the ride, but it is also OK to come back early.  It is OK to go off the back if you can’t keep up or to jump out on the pointy end of the pack if you are fast.  The point is to remember that you are there.  And while you may “regret” going too hard or getting dropped, it will never equal the amount of regret you have if you DON’T GO.

So what brought all this on?  Well, it’s the middle of January and Mother Nature has sandwiched a 55 degree day between 2 weeks of 20-30 degree temps.  THAT, my friends, is an opportunity.  And one that I will surely regret not taking.  I’m going for a RIDE!!!  Is it a part of a plan?  Yes and no.  It meets my goal of doing something fitness oriented today, but doesn’t meet a mileage goal or anything specific like that.  So why do it?  Because it’s 55 FRICKIN’ DEGREES IN JANUARY!!  You can’t pass that up!   This is what I’m talking about.  I had a run planned for this morning.  But I can ALWAYS run.  This may be the only day this MONTH that I can get out on my bike.  I have to go.

I’m thinking about a lot of other things as well.  I’m looking for opportunities.  I would like to learn how to kayak this year.  Maybe even paddleboard.  I think an Xterra would be fun.  I want to go back to track nights again.  I want (in some sick way) to do one night per week of running hill repeats (behind Cosmo on the Old Grey Bitch).  And if the opportunity presents itself, even if it means missing a scheduled “workout”, I’m all over it.

Today’s quote:

“Do the best you can until you know better.  The when you know better… do better.” -Maya Angelou

Living in the radical center

I’ve always been a believer in “the middle”.  My personal and political views could best be dubbed “radical centrist”.  There are extremes in everything, but it has been my experience that the truth (or the best course of action) nearly always lies somewhere in the middle.  Sometimes slightly left…  Sometimes slightly right…  But nearly always within 10% of the middle on either side.  It has been hard all my life not to jump to conclusions or be extremist, but just sit back and listen to both sides (the realists with strong opinions, not the radicals with stupid ideas), and then make and live by my own informed opinion.  It is easy enough for either side to skew the numbers to meet their needs so I try to take everything with a grain of salt and if I’m really serious about an issue, I simply do more research and seek out unbiased sources (which are becoming very scarce).  I rarely engage in debate or argument over any issue because I seldom feel like I have all the knowledge I need to do so.  The quote “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt” is one I live by.  And on the rare occasion that passion about a subject or misinformation taken as fact goad me into such discussion, I always lose or get frustrated, so I simply listen and then once I’m sure I have enough facts to make a decision, I do so and stand by it.  If I’m wrong, so be it.  I accept that.

I’m finding the radical center to be my best philosophy for health and fitness as well.  I have tried huge distances and high speed.  I have tried short distances and very slow.  Neither works for me.  Middle distances and moderate speeds work best for me.  High mileage hurts (and not in a good way).  Low mileage doesn’t get me the results I want.  The same holds true at the table.  Tiny portions or extreme diets leave me starving all the time, unable to concentrate and dealing with a continuous headache.  Ignoring portions and just eating til I’m full is fine, but only if I exercise A LOT and pay attention to WHAT I’m putting in those portions.

However, sometimes I can be radical.  Sometimes I HAVE to be extreme.  I know for a fact that my body does not metabolize alcohol.  Therefore it is immediately (and, seemingly, permanently) converted to fat.  If I want to lose weight and keep it off, this has to go.  I can’t moderate my way out of it.  And, honestly, I don’t trust my will power enough to be able to stop at a moderate amount.  So, it’s gotta go.  Cold turkey.  100%.  Gone.  Any drink I have from this point forward will simply be a failure on my part.  Forever.

Another radical, but perhaps not permanent belief I have is this.  I am physically incapable of running distances longer than 13 miles.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I can DO it.  But the toll it takes on my body is unacceptable.  The goal here is to be physically active for the rest of my life.  I know that I am too overweight to push my mileages up now and if I do, I WILL get hurt.  So… my running mileages will stay at a moderate level until I am light enough that it is less detrimental to my body.  I “might” run a marathon or ultra some day.  That’s why I say this may not be permanent.  But I will not even entertain the idea until the scale says what I think it should say.  And, no, I will not “train” my way down to that weight.  That doesn’t work for me.

I think everyone has (or should have) a few things they believe in strongly.  As long as they don’t proselytize, I’m cool with it and even admire it.  I think I have known the things I have mentioned in this post (moderation, no alcohol, no long distances) for a long time.  I just couldn’t admit them.  I wanted to think that I could just run off a beer or two, or that burger and fries, with a few extra miles.  Seemingly everyone else can.  I wanted to think that I could run long distances like everyone else and that the longer I ran, the more weight I would lose.  But, for me, none of this was true.  I just found myself in a vicious cycle of working out more and more, with the results being less and less.  I tried to blame it on other things but the reality was it just did not work for me.

These admissions are not bad things.  I thought they would be.  I thought that waving the white flag and swearing off beer or marathons (odd to say those two words in the same sentence… no?) would be a failure.  But it’s actually a relief.  It has cleared my vision.  I don’t live in a dreamland of setting lofty goals that I know I will never be able to achieve (in my current physical condition).  I can live now.  With who I am and what I have to work with.  I can run the short route.  I can enjoy a homemade cinnamon roll with my daughter for her 9th birthday.  That’s OK.  Shifting from “that workout wasn’t good enough” to something, honestly, that is really hard for me to say to myself… “nice job”.

So hooray for the radical center…!  But having a passion for a few things is OK too.  I just need to look closely at those things to make sure they are REALISTIC.  Believing passionately about something completely unrealistic is a fools quest.  I played that game for a while.  I lost over and over again.

Today’s quote comes from an old baseball coach, who wasn’t original enough to make it up himself, but never cited his source.

“The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do”

A bit about balance

I joked on Facebook yesterday that I have the shoulders of an 8 year old girl, but the legs of a mountain troll.  This sad admission came directly from the weight room and when I realized just how bad my upper/lower body strength imbalance was, I have to admit I was startled and disappointed.  Balance is one of my keywords for the year.  I don’t mean it as in “improving my balance so I don’t fall”, I mean as in physical (and mental) balance.

I have no scientific backup for this, only what I know to “feel” right for me.  I’m sure Zen Yoga masters could send me all kinds of info supporting this feeling and my muscle monkey buddies could send me likewise to support their side, but I believe that “I”, personally… as in… ME (not suggesting you… get it?), have gotten out of physical balance with my exercise plan.

When I got to Columbia, almost 7 years ago (good god… really?  …time does fly), I couldn’t run a mile.  I weight 240 pounds.  I was a mess.  But I vowed that since Columbia had so many opportunities for healthy lifestyle changes, I would take advantage of that and try to get my physical self back in order.  So I started running.  In the early days of a successful effort, I lost 40 pounds and went from zero miles to a marathon in just over a year.  I drank the Kool-Aid.  I was hooked.  However, the marathon broke me.  I was out for nearly all of 2008 with a stress fracture of the pelvis from running too much, too heavy.  This remains to this day an 800 pound gorilla in my life, just waiting to hurt me if I push too far, hence my bailout on marathons.  I know the only way to get rid of him is to be as light as possible.  I’m still working on that part…

But I digress… I met an excellent doctor who suggested the craziest thing.  Switch to triathlons.  DO WHAT?

Yup.  His reasoning was that the other two sports, being low impact, would take the pressure off my legs and pelvis.  Now, water, for me, was a threat.  The only thing it was good for, in my opinion, was keeping you from landing too hard on the rocks when you were drunk and fell out of the boat.  I was afraid of it.  He might as well have told me that if I wanted to learn to fly, the first step was to jump off a bridge.  But I thought about it (swimming… not jumping off a bridge) for a while and asked some people about it.  Before long I was swimming.  Once I got past the “controlled drowning” portion of learning to swim, I gained a grudging respect for it.  It took nearly 3 years to get comfortable and actually WANT to swim, but that’s where I’m at now.  But to get back to my original line of thinking, I’m not very good at it.  And I don’t know why.  However, the last two weeks in the weight room have given me some good ideas.

Granted, I need serious technique work.  My form sucks.  I get that.  However, my biggest problem seems to be… here it comes… ready?

Balance.

As in, my legs sink really bad.  And yes, I’ve tried all the tricks and techniques to get up on plane in the water.  IF I do all of them at the same time and do them perfectly, it gets marginally better.  I have never felt my heels hit the surface while swimming.  That would be cool…

Now, back to the weight room.  Looking at my max lifts.  My upper body is weak.  Especially in comparison with my lower body.  I can leg press over 425 pounds, but I can’t do one chin up.  I can squat over 300 pounds, but my max for shoulder flies is 45 pounds.  My back is strong but I can’t do 50 sit ups at a time.  I could lift a Volkswagen with my calves but can’t do 20 push ups at a time.

See the problem?  NO BALANCE.  Why?  Because I have spent the last 7 years focusing on my lower body only.

I’m not interested in gaining a whole lot of mass in my upper body.  Goodness knows I have plenty of “mass” in other places.  But I do need strength.  I don’t ever expect to be able to lift equivalent amounts with my upper body to lower body.  That would mean I was bench pressing 250 pounds as a workout weight.  That’s ridiculous.  But I AM focusing on upper body and core.

Now… part two.  Strength is fine and yes, I’m working on it.  However, it’s not everything (sorry muscle monkey friends).  I am also horribly inflexible.  As I jokingly tell my son, it’s great to have a huge upper body IF you can still scratch your own ear.  I see too many people gain muscle mass without stretching and they get to a point where they need help putting on a jacket.  That’s imbalance.

SO…  I’m discovering a lot of imbalance in my life.  Not professionally… I love what I do.  Not family… my wife is the best and I’m really lucky.  Same with my kids (although I should spend more time with them).  No.  My imbalance is physical (and probably nutritional).  The good news is it’s the easiest one to fix…   Note I didn’t say it was easy… Just “easiest”.  And, yes, I understand that you can’t “strength” your way through the water so I will keep working on technique.  But it can’t hurt to shift some of my “mass” more forward in the water to help “balance” those troll legs… now can it?

And for the quote:

“Don’t be disappointed in the lack of results you get for the workout you didn’t do”